I always kind of thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to die in my sleep or something. Not really see it coming. But just today, as I was thinking about Flower, and the way that she faced it made me reassess. I guess we all have to face death one way or another; all of us, human or cat or otherwise, will face death. And it seems to me that if Flower had to face it, then why should I be so fortunate as to die in my sleep and never see it coming. She knew that day that it was her day to die. I know this. She taught me that the only thing any of us can do is to just stare back at death as it approaches. In that last moment I just hope for the strength to keep my gaze steady. And I hope that I'm awake.

Bedtime

I think the first time that I became aware that something was wrong was when I realized that Flower did not come to get me to tell me that it was time to go to bed. Thinking back I try to fill in the blanks. I suppose she stopped eating and became lethargic because the lymphoma was already attacking her intestine, making her nauseated. When we would try to administer meds to her the first week, she wouldn't take them. She hated all of that stuff. That was really hard. Administering sub-q fluids was a little easier; she didn't fight as much. But she still didn't like it, and I felt like it was a last resort type of effort. The doctor's at VCA felt like she was having complications with FIV and that was causing her sickness. We should have started then looking for problems associated with FIV, but they wouldn't give me any treatment options for her.

Flower would always come to get me at night to tell me that it was time for bed. In fact that helped me get to bed at the right time so that I could get a good night's sleep. She would come over to my desk, where I was usually studying, and put her paws up on my leg and meow. She was pretty persistent about it if I didn't get up right away. Then she would kind of follow me around while I got ready for bed; she would go with me into the kitchen or sit outside the bathroom while I brushed my teeth. Often I would put her on my bed, but if I didn't stay in my room with her, she would get up and follow me again. Sometimes at night I still expect to find her waiting for me.

Playtime

I used to always come home and wake up in the morning to find the rugs on the floor all out of place and twisted around. Because we have hardwood (Pergo) floors, the rugs would shift and slide around and sometimes get bunched and folded up when Flower would run around. She had always been a lively and playful cat. She would run around and chase things that weren't really there, and I was sorry that I didn't get more toys for her earlier. She never really seemed that interested in a lot of toys though. Certain things she liked; Ashley got her a laser pointer for Christmas which she would chase around and pounce on for quite awhile before tiring of the pointless game that she could not catch. Flower also liked to catch crickets which somehow got into the house often. She would typically play with them for a short time and them eat them; maybe she liked the crunch. One day she found a spot on the wall that she played at for what seemed like forever. She pawed at the wall and then ran away, and she did this repeatedly. I don't know what got into her that day in particular, but she was certainly in a playful mood. She always found something to pretend to chase after. It was typical that the rug in the hall would be folded over in the morning because she would run up and down the halls, and when she tried to stop on the rug, she would slide right into Ev's door. At night too, when I got home from class or work, the rugs in the front room and the hall would be in that state. So, I was always happy to know that she was an active, healthy kitty who enjoyed playtime.

Doing Homework

Flower always liked to be where the people were. She often sat in the front window on her little house, which Ashley gave her for Christmas, where she could see everything in the front room. Before that, she would lie on a towel that I placed on the floor by my desk, or more frequently, she would go into Varr's room because it was carpeted. Sometimes she would sit in the doorway to the hall where she could look at me at my desk but also down to Varr's room. She also liked to sit on the front couch. You could tell her favorite spot if you saw it because on the white couch it's the spot that's covered in black cat hair. Typically though, she would prefer to sit in the front window or by my desk for awhile, but I think she really liked her spot on the couch. Once in awhile I would move my stuff over to the couch and sit there. Whenever I did this she would come and enjoy the company on the couch. I would sit in the middle or on one side and she would sit on her side. Flower was very comfortable here and content to simply lie next to me and let me do whatever school work I had. She never pestered me, and in fact, I often wished that she would come and spend more time with me and sit on my lap or something like that. Occasionally I picked her up at my desk and placed her on my lap. She tended to move from there up to my desk and sit or lie kind of off to the side, in front of my laptop. Because my desktop is glass, it's usually cold, and so, Flower never stayed there long. But I was glad that she liked being there for a bit. I always had wanted to get a table or something that I could put next to my desk with a blanket or cat bed for her to sit on so that I could enjoy her company and give her a comfortable place next to me. I am, however, glad that she enjoyed going to Varr's room as well. I know that Varr had a special way of petting her that she liked a lot. She tended to not stay in one place for long when I pet her, but she really liked Varr's pets. I was happy, too, that my roommate enjoyed having her around and enjoyed giving her love and attention. Even Ev let her in to his room a few times, where she would sit in the window and look outside; that's what he told me. Before she ever became sick, I would miss her a little bit when she wasn't around where I could see her. I had to remind myself sometimes that it was better that she enjoyed everone's company and got love from all of us.

I closed the door to my room for basicly three years before Flower. Since she came here, I always had my door open for her, even at night. I think it will be uncomfortable for me to close my door tonight.

Belly Rubs

Flower loved belly rubs. But sometimes she could only handle them for so long. When she had had enough or she was in a feisty mood (often in the morning, when I would pet her before getting out of bed), she would grab my hand with her front paws, bite it with her teeth, and scratch at my hand with both of her hind paws. I was a often surprised that she never broke the skin while doing this. I never figured out for sure if she thought she was playing or not. She liked these pets, though, and I liked to give them to her. Sometimes she would lie in the sun, and sometimes she would be on the white couch in the front room or on her house in the front window or on the blue rug in the sun by the door. It didn't matter where she was, really. But I guess I always knew when she had enough. Other times she seemed to lie there forever. The more vigorous the rub, the better. I could tell when she really wanted one because she would roll over on her back when I walked in the room. I don't think I knew a cat who enjoyed belly rubs as much as Flower.

A Little Bit of Closure

Dr. Ikeda thinks that Flower may have had lymphosarcoma, or lymphoma. Her liver and kindey where spotted, and he looked at samples of these tissues under microscope. He emphasized that he is not a pathologist, but he suspected that Flower had developed this cancer. It can act quickly, as it is blood borne.

Dr. Ikeda also said that her intestine was essentially swollen in a few areas and was not as soft as it should be. This is was also the case for the pylorus from the stomach to the small intestine. It is likely that it was difficult for her to pass food from her stomach to her intestine because of the problem with this valve.

Flower was also completely spayed, having had all of her reproductive organs removed. We cannot know, then, whether she may have ever had kittens or not. One of the few things we do know about her previous life is that she must have been overweight because she was placed on a weight-reducing diet at the shelter before we got her.